This week, The New York Times Magazine published a detailed account on “Lessons From a 20-Person Polycule: How they establish limits, handle jealousy, support their spouses and build community.”
“Polycules” are still not well-known enough to be explained in the first paragraph of the Times article, so it’s uncertain whether it's a good idea for such a high-profile outlet to give attention to these people. But if you’re interested, here's the explanation:
The word “polycule” is a synthesis of polyamory — engaging in multiple romantic relationships — and molecule. …it seems to have started catching on around 15 years ago to suggest an intricate structure formed of people with overlapping deep attachments: romantic, sexual, sensual, platonic.
Since the Times is now bringing this into the conversation, it's worth discussing how clearly unusual the world of “polycules” is. So, let’s quickly go through some of the key points from this profile.
1. Being in a polycule is all about “ethical nonmonogamy,” which, besides being a contradictory idea, is not agreed upon by everyone:
It’s freedom. I am so grateful to be a part of it. I have this abundance of love to give. I feel so in my power. We all approach ENM, ethical nonmonogamy, differently. Everyone is so deeply in love with each other, whether or not it’s romantic love.
2. As you might have guessed, these people were influenced by college gender studies departments:
I was enthralled in college with gender-studies theory. I started to articulate that I was queer. I identify anywhere from femme to nonbinary, depending on the day. My pronouns are she/they. Gender studies is where I realized that nonmonogamy was an option.
3. If you think managing a healthy monogamous relationship can be difficult, self-described “relationship anarchists” spend six to 10 hours in “poly-processing”:
My husband and I are very, very different, which is our strength. He’s a frat bro who loves sports, and I’m a radical alien witch academic nerd. …We learned a strategy from the Multiamory podcast called ‘agile scrum,’ which was adapted from business-meeting models. We utilized that format. We did that for a year and a half, at least once a month, sometimes six to 10 hours of hard poly-processing.
4. If you’re upset that your spouse is with someone else, well, that's your issue and you need therapy and medication to overcome it. (Also, Ben Shapiro, call your office.)
We have this motto: Feelings are not facts. That gets us through the hard times.
At the start, I was going through some depression, and when we had sex I had so much stress. There were issues in the bedroom with her, and that happened many times, which caused more stress. She started seeing this dude who was an absolute stud, having sex with him and having a great-ass time, and I felt totally lame and inadequate.
That was really hard for me, for obvious reasons. I felt like, I’m a hundred percent replaceable. It took a lot of conversations. She was like, There’s nothing wrong with you, this is going to pass, therapy will help. Lots of tears were shed. But medication helped me, talk therapy helped me, changing the way we do things helped. That’s where feelings are not facts really mattered.
5. Once again, all the rules, which are being created as they go, and scheduling seem VERY TIRESOME. It certainly puts a new perspective on Oscar Wilde’s quote, “The trouble with socialism is that it takes up too many evenings.”
In the polycule, it ranges from people who really don’t have rules to we’re only going to date people together or we’re going to participate in the group only as friendships, or as sensual friendships, or we’re only going to be sexually intimate at gatherings, and outside of that we’re not going to date anyone individually. We keep track in group chats…
I spend 60 percent of my time in my house with my nesting partner and about 25 percent of my time with another partner, and although I technically have one home right now, I’m in the process of building homes with multiple partners. There are check-ins, but the check-ins aren’t for permission. It’s, I’m doing these things, I’m going to be gone for these two weeks, what do you need from me?
6. Their kids are not all right.
I have one partner now with three kids. He is transmasc, and he’s radical about the way he raises them. They’re radically home-schooled. They’re 17 and nonbinary, 6 and 5. They know everything in age-appropriate ways. They’ve seen their mommy undergo the transmasc experience, seen their mom become who they really are.
7. Essentially, polycules are a childish and desperate effort to live in a fantasy world where participants never have to take on responsibilities and meaningful obligations to others:
Last night I was at a party that was full of poly people, and at the end of the night we wound up in this big cuddle pile. There were eight of us fit together like puzzle pieces, snuggling. It felt so cozy, so much oxytocin flowing. We were all envisioning living together, not having to worry about individual mortgages, just having some big house. Can’t we just do that? Why can’t we do that? An adult sleepover camp, that’s the vibe. It is my mission to make that happen for me and whoever wants to join me.
8. Speaking of mortgages, the nuclear family needs to be undone… because housing is expensive?
The structure of the nuclear family, the nuclear marriage, needs to shift. It’s really hard to afford a house. Some of us are thinking of moving into a place with four or five bedrooms where eight or nine of us could live together. We could share the burden of bills. It’s just more realistic.
9. Some of the women in polycules have deep-rooted sexual trauma, which may clarify some things.
Some of us are survivors of sexual assault and have reclaimed what it means to be a sexual woman, to be radically and unapologetically ourselves.
10. Yes, these people are advocating for political, cultural, and legal acceptance of this craziness… and in some liberal strongholds are achieving success:
There are so many things we’re pushing against, but we still have to live within. My husband and I married for the legal benefits, for taxes and things like that. Our society’s laws benefit married people. But I’ve talked to my girlfriend about us being married as well, and while that can’t be legal right now, we would like to have that for ourselves, maybe a small ceremony, rings on the other hand, something that signifies our bond and our life commitment. In Somerville, which is the city right next to mine, the city legally recognizes multiple domestic partners. I think our society is moving toward that, but it’s a slow process.
